Didie | "Careless Whisper"

I started something that I believed was a relationship, with a married man. I didn't know that part...On January 1st, only few hours after midnight he started crying on my shoulder about his miserable life and how he wants to divorse his wife. (I fucked that man, god damn it!!!) Same evening somehow i happened to be with him alone at his appartment. Strangest thing was all that Depeche mode things they said...and damn, he looked like peasant of a kind "I've got all the money in the world!!" We made very bad sex on his wedding bed (but he licks quite good, I think) and of course, I was very scared that his wife would appear in the most subleme moment. Suddenly he stoped licking my pussy and said "I'm going for a cigarette in the living room!"

And that was the moment when I should have said "I'm going home now." But I didn't.

Then he showed me the pictures of his 10 years old daughter. Did he scared me? Not at all.

For few days we started talking on Skype every night.. never made video sex, but maybe we should try...He came one night to stay at my place..And he started crying again...We couldn't even star the overture to sex. He was so helpless that I couldn't stand his pain and kissed him.

My heart shouted out that I should help him! I was already in love…

Grabbed him as he was my last chance not to die alone!

He wasn’t even my style!!! How deep must I fall?

He forgot his charger at my place, and few hours later his cell was off. And he disappeared. For a damn long time! Never called, never went online. When I was at work one day he came to take his charger back and left five tremendous dark red roses on my bed. Without calling me. Came back here a week later to see me and his best friend, who happened to be my roommate’s husband. Broke my fingers (by incident?), got deadly drunk, and made me cry and blame myself for his attitude. Cried most of the time. I slept on the couch. Finally he told me: “When everything’s over, I’m taking you to live with me!”

And disappeared again. Then my roommate told me he spoke with her and told her this is not the moment when he needs a new relationship. That I am too much powerful woman for him and he doesn’t want my chains. So I better stop calling him every hour (?!). OK, I said. Next day silence. All silence. Until midnight, when I came home from work. He rang me about 12 times on Skype. And I called him back. We spoke for 4 hours. He was so desperate! About to lose all his money and half of his furniture. But the trial has already begun. I was tender and supportive. I watched him and all I wanted was his happiness. I prayed for him, and then I thought: “What the fuck am I part of??”

A kind of excuse. Mine, for trying to lie myself that I don’t like him, and his, for giving me NOT care and attention. 10 calls for those 12 hours. Just to say Hi. And to make a singer at his restaurant sing specially for me “My heart will go on”. And to say “Good night! I kiss you thousand times!”. And to promise to pick me up from work Sunday evening, cause this is his only free day and he will spend it with me.

He never showed up…yet.

Sunday evening / 23.45h

Didie | "Glimpse"

Didie | "Lost in translation"

16.01.2008

And let me someday be the one
who hugs and kisses you in bed of roses...

She hanged up the phone after hearing an unknown voice, and all she wanted was to hear his...She was absolutely sure she made a mistake, but this time really didn't know where...her brain started to be eaten up with the millions of seconds spent together... slowly, bit by bit...cell by cell...They moved with the speed of the light, increasing her headache with every second, but she kept trying to arrange them...She realised there can not be love, though she loved him anyway. It was her again, always ready to give and never expecting anything for exchange. The emptiness was painfully killing all her faith left. She wanted to admit how she still counts every minute to their dates, but she was scared he wouldn't understand...and he wouldn't respond again...but it was all over before it ever started... Yes, all beautiful things last seconds...and her stolen seconds from his life kept breaking into pieces her smashed heart, as they wanted to go back to their owner...But she imprisoned them deep in her soul, because she was scared to lose him...
Left all but a little piece of hope to shine into the apple of her eye...to remind her of him. To get used to the thought of loneliness...again...And as more as she was forgeting, she wanted more...and more...of him...the air he breathes...the trembles of his heart...his love...then she had nothing left to do but to encroach on his private space...
It hurted. He screamed like a deadly wounded animal.
He was someone to her, but she was nobody for him. He wanted his freedom, but she couldn't give it back. He begged for his reality where there was no place left for her. And that despaired her more and more...She thought as closer as she was to him he'd love her more...Maybe that's all humans' bigest problem - they are not honest. Everything she won were the words "You don't understand me!", sounding maliciously through all parts of her body...destroying her fighting for survival soul...

Of course, she couldn't stand it at the end...She felt down with an enormous crush over her own selfishness...over her mania to be loved by one and only person whom can never have...She burst into tears...she wanted to go back to the day when she first met his eyes...And forever remembered his smile. The same smile that warmed all of a sudden her heart and showed her what is to love unadulteratedly...

Something felt from her eye...a bead...his little bead of hope. Burned her thenar, but she hardly felt any pain. She stared at it, was as beautiful as in the day she stole it. Felt a bit of desite to hide it and keep it forever, but already knew she doesn't have the right. Picked up the phone and dialed a number. Heard a well known voice. Got scared of saying anything, only waited and in a while hanged up. Took her coat and went out in the freezing january night.

She had learned how to love, but never learned to forget...